patience_isnt's Datingish

It's Been A While.

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 16:21:57 GMT

As Britney Spears once said in one of her songs, "It's been a while". And it has, for both me, and those who've wasted their time reading my extremely long-winded blog posts. I believe I last left off with the delema I had between me and my friend, whom I'm pretty sure I called M, and how he gave his girlfriend a promise ring. Turns out, we didn't have feelings for each other. He's just a really great guy; attractive, smart, tall, dark hair, and I was just a girl who happened to be really close to him. We were just at a confusing stage, and now that we know we don't like each other, we're super close and I'm helping him through his long-distance relationship.

Anyways, I've been super busy. I've had swim meets every weekend for the past two months (except this weekend because it's Thanksgiving weekend), I've had tons of homework (damn grade 10 at a private school) and guess what else?!?!? I'm in a relationship with the best guy ever! Yes, okay, we just started to date, but he's so great. He opens the door for me, he paid for the date (I'm not a gold-digger, it's just that guys rarely do any of this anymore), and he pulled out my chair, he gave me his jacket when I "looked" cold. The other day he even met my dad, called him "sir" and "Mr. Fritzler", yeah, the whole nine yards, and my dad approves of him, something that none of my other boyfriends have accomplished.

So all in all, I'm in a pretty good mood, surprisingly. I had been in a pissy mood until everything started to turn out. My ex is no where in sight, actually, we never even talk. I've got a great group of girl and guy friends, whom I'm supporting and are supporting me. I placed second in my whole swim meet last weekend, something that I've never accomplished before (I normally place lower, so I'm pretty proud of myself). And now I've got a boy who so far, seems to like me for me, and I don't know why I waited so long to accept him asking me out. <3

He Gave Her a Promise Ring...

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 18:50:13 GMT

So, if you were reading my last post, you would know how confused I am. And it just got worse.

Last night I was partying it up (not really, we were watching my favourite TV show) and I got a call. I answered it and it was M. I got all excited, I mean, maybe he was calling me to confess that he actually did have feelings for me. I asked him what was up, trying to sound cool and composed. I couldn't be more wrong.

He told me he had good news and I was practically peeing myself I was so excited. Then my heart sank. He told me he gave his girlfriend a promise ring. It was $300 and he wanted to give her one since she was moving to Vancouver for university. He said that it wasn't just to promise that he wouldn't cheat, it was a promise that he would propose to her once he moved out and had more money. I felt like crying and screaming and punching something. But I didn't. I congratulated him, and told him I was so excited for him. He knew I was lying, he must've, but he said that that was good that I understood how he felt about her. Oh, I understand more than he can ever know.

I am crushed and even more lost than before. I mean, we almost had a special moment, or I think we did, but he's ready for a real committment with his girlfriend that he's only been dating since January. How can he just forget that we almost kissed outside my house just a few days ago? Doesn't that show that maybe he isn't ready for this real committment?

I'm So Lost...

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:35:44 GMT

So I haven't posted in a really long time... I should really continue to post, but sometimes it's hard to make the time (bad excuse, I know).

The other day I was at my dad's house and my ex's old host brother called. Let's call him M, and his twin brother A. They're both 17 and just graduated. Anyways, M called me, which he normally does about every other day. This call was a little different though; he needed a favour from me. They had a new Spanish girl living with them and he wanted me to show her around the school and get to know her, you know, so she wouldn't be alone in high school. I, of course, agreed. So M picked me up and we stopped at the school. He left but came back to drive his girlfriend to work. I signed the Spanish girl up for classes and showed her around the school. I told her what the dress code was and all that fun stuff. I even told her wear to get clothes in case most of hers didn't fit what our school wanted.

M took me and the Spanish girl shopping for clothes at the Southland, food for supper at Superstore and for new speakers for M at Best Buy. Finally, we got back to his place and M's parents were home. They were really happy to see me, which sort of surprised me. They never seemed to like me very much, but I think they were suprised that I would ever come back to their place. Anyways, M made tacos for supper, which were actually pretty good. I stayed there and we looked at an atlas. (Both of us have always had an interest in looking at maps... Don't ask.) Then my dad called me and told me that I should get home soon.

M offered to drive me home, and I let him. (He just recently got his lisence and now he wants to drive people everywhere.) I gave him directions, crappy ones at that, just so that we could be together a little longer. I mean, he's a great guy and I wanted to spend more time with him. When he finally got to my house, I told him I'd call him and went to get out. He got out too and came over to my side. He gave me a hug. It was sort of awkward since I don't think I've ever hugged M before. As I started to pull away, I looked at his eyes. They were the most beautiful dark brown I've ever seen. I noticed his mouth coming closer to mine and I pulled away. I mean, he has a girlfriend and stuff. I told him goodnight and I rushed up to my house.

So now I'm super confused. I don't know if I have feelings for M or not.. :S

I Ended It.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:50:55 GMT

So, if you've been following along, you'll understand completely.

My (ex) boyfriend was on msn and I ended it. I said a few cruel things, a few racist things, and then I ended it. Crazy thing is, I only cried for a couple of minutes. Sure, I mean, I was (and still am) upset with him and his actions, plus my own, but I didn't cry. I guess my body finally realized I wasted too much time crying over him.

I'm planning on talking to him again soon, but as one of my friends informed me, he blocked me. Isn't that a sweet loving gesture?

EDIT: He unblocked me, finally. We instantly got into another fight and then he blocked me again. =/

One Month.

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 02:54:29 GMT

Alright. So, it's been over a month since my boyfriend left. And I'm still breathing.

It's hard to believe that I actually survived being alone for so long. Weird. And I actually barely talked to him over skype. The first time I did, it was coincidental. He was awake early and checked skype and I was up late, thinking about him, of course, and we were both on. But the crazy thing is, it was like we didn't have anything to talk about. We used to spend all our time texting, calling, IMing, emailing, and talking about whatever. It was rarely important, but we would still spend most of our time talking about it.

But that time, for some reason, it was like we didn't even know each other. It was so damn awkward, and I don't even know why. And when he logged off to go back to bed, it felt like he left the country all over again, and I didn't even get time to say goodbye... I was broken. Again.

The next time we were online was planned. We had planned it at the end of our last conversation. He wasn't online so I waited... For a damn-long time; almost an hour to be exact. When he was online, he said he was sorry and whatever, but that he was "busy with something". I got mad. I just exploded, and every bad thing he had ever done to me I brought up. Everything. How I suspected he was with me just to have sex with and then leave the country, with no regrets. How he insulted my chest size in front of all my friends and never apologized. How even though during school we were normally with my friends, after school we were ALWAYS with his friends and we ALWAYS did what he wanted to, no questions asked. How I had a freak out when he wasn't going to share this complicated cake with him after he practically told me to make it. How he had to disagree with everything someone said. How when I asked him over for supper, he told me he couldn't come, and then two hours later, he came over, expecting me to have a full meal ready for him. And how even after all this shit, I forgave him and I still loved him.

You know what he said? He said he was tired of hearing me complain about a relationship that wasn't ever going to work.

I'm Alone... Again.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 23:51:28 GMT

I'm still in a relationship, but I'm alone. Let me explain.

My boyfriend, who I've talked about before, had to back home: Germany. At first, I thought I'd only be upset. You know, I like him a lot, but I never thought I'd feel the way I do now. Like, two days before he was leaving, I broke down. I cried all day, and when he was finally done packing and came over, I still cried. He seemed upset, but I was kind of offended that he wasn't crying either. I know that isn't like, "manly" or whatever, but still. He went home at around midnight, and the only thing we did was me crying and him holding me.

The next day, he came over all day. I didn't cry as much, but I sure wanted to. We had sex, twice, watched movies, had pizza and went to the Canada Day fireworks. He went back home and I went back home, completely broken. I didn't know what to do. I fell asleep almost instantly.

The next morning, I got up and went to the airport at 8.15am. I beat him there, but he was there only moments later. I tried not to cry, but about half an hour before I knew he had to go through security. He gave me a dream catcher (he knew I always suffered from insomnia) and I gave him a necklace, so we had matching ones. Mine had a purple heart and his had a blue one. As he walked through the glass doors, I spent at least another fifteen minutes watching him go through security. It was so unfair. They shouldn't have had glass walls. I watched him until he went on the plane, and then we ran to the other side of the airport so we could watch his airplane take off. It was painful and I thought I was going to die.

I now survived my first full day alone. I got through being alone, not getting any facebook notifications from him, not getting any texts from him, not getting to call him or anything. I sulked the whole day and I couldn't even talk to him. I checked my phone for texts I knew I wouldn't get. I checked facebook, and got a message from him, saying he was back and wanting to know if I got a Skype account yet. I read it a thousand times, broken. Then I looked through all his "going away" pictures a million times before deciding to actually doing something with my life.

So anyways, I'm in a relationship but I'm more alone than I've ever been. It's unfair.

Is Life Going Downhill, or Am I Just Melodramatic?

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:08:16 GMT

Okay. So recently, I thought everything was going to be great once summer started. I mean, it's summer so no more school. Apparenlty, summer doesn't want me to be happy.

1. Yesterday, Micheal Jackson died. I don't care that he looked like an albino monkey or that he could've quite possibly been a pedophile, he shaped pop music and music videos into what they are today. I little piece of me died yesterday when I found out.

2. For the past three days, I had been making an extremely complicated cake for my boyfriend because he's going back to Germany on July 2nd. I texted him that he should come over for his "surprise". He knew I was making something for him, but he didn't know what. He texted me that he couldn't come over because he was at a party. I told him he had to, that it was important. Apparently getting drunk is more important than me. I went to bed, extremely upset. I woke up a few hours later when my boyfriend showed up at my front door, drunk out of his mind, wanting his "surprise", which he assumed was sex. I spent the night taking care of him until this morning when he took his cake and went home.

3. I got prank-called. Normally, I love getting prank-called and I go along with it, but last night, I didn't feel like it. I got pissed and hung up after they asked what brand of condoms I use, or if I even use them, since everyone knows I'm such a slut. I even know who did it; it was those girls a grade older than me who were never nice to me who were at that party.

4. Today I got invited to a party and I can't even go.

Okay, so I'm no longer going to complain. But I think #2 was the worst on that list. So in other words, summer has already not been good to me.

First Post

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 19:59:15 GMT

Alright, my first post. And I'm going to start off with firsts. You know that saying, there's a first for everything. Well, I always thought that that saying was stupid, because obviously you can't just skip the experience of the first time and go to the second, third or fourth time. You need that first awkward time where you do everything wrong so that the next time you try the same thing, you can do at least some of those things right this time.

So you're probably thinking I'm talking about sex, but I'm not. Well, not yet. I'm talking about my first boyfriend, which was a mistake in itself. I was in grade 8. He was in grade 9. So that doesn't sound that bad, but he started school late when he was little, so he was 16 and I had just turned 14. He went to the bad school in my area. You know, the school where kids getting stabbed is normal, and kids getting kicked out for drugs is something that happens once a week, and teachers are trained with self-defence. Anyways, we met at a park with my friends. He was hot, older and cool. All his friends were cool and older and he went to parties every weekend where he either got stoned or hammered. At the time, he had a girlfriend, but he told me that "the relationship wasn't going anywhere" so it was okay if me and him started hanging out and stuff.

Bad idea, me. You'd think I'd have the brains to say no, to tell what's right and wat's wrong. But I agreed and I went straight to his house without even thinking. Sure, nothing happened in his house, not really. I regret it, but it wasn't bad. We made out on his couch with MTV blaring on the TV. It was my first make-out session, but obviously not his. He knew what he was doing, which made him seem every bit as attractive. I walked home after, unaware that I hadn't told my friends that I was leaving, or that more could've happened, or that I didn't even know this guy's last name. I snuck into my bedroom through the open window, and fell asleep, proud of myself. I got an older boy.

The next Monday, I was the coolest girl in my school. I had never really been popular, but now I was. All the girls asked me how I did it, and all the boys thought that I must be good at something, and wanted to be with me. I gave the girls "advice" and told the boys that I was taken. But that's when things started to get out of hand. I kept seeing this older boy, and he asked me to go to parties. I did. I started drinking. I never did drugs, but then again, no one ever offered. And if they had, I probably would have agreed to it too. I was a 14-year-old girl who was pretending to be 17, with no morals. I never thought it over. Not once. And my new boyfriend knew it, so he took advantage of it.

I never had sex with him, thank God. I told him I wasn't ready. He asked hundreds of times, but I was scared. I heard a lot of scary things about sex, and I was 14. I actually didn't even understand what sex was, really. But when he asked for a handjob, he sure as hell got one.

Which brings me back to my firsts. My first handjob was actually terrible. I'd never seen a penis before, and he was expecting me to do something with it. He took my hand, and showed me how. And when it was just me doing what I thought was right, I did something wrong. I pulled the skin too far back, and he yelled, hitting me, calling me names that I'd never even heard of before. I said I was sorry, that it was my first time, that next time would be better. He told me that he never wanted to see me again, so I went home, crying. I snuck into my bedroom and went to sleep.

So he had lied to me. He called me early the next morning, saying he was sorry, that it just hurt and he over-reacted. I forgave him right away. I went over and I got better I giving handjobs. When school started, everyone knew what happened. He had told everyone and now every guy knew that I was getting really good at it, and every girl thought that I was a slut and that they will never take my advice again. I officially had no girl friends, but all the boys wanted to be my friend.

I started skipping school to be with my boyfriend. I went to more parties and drank more. I got sick and actually had blackouts from the booze. My parents tried talking to me about it, but I knew they didn't understand. My boyfriend loved me, and I loved him. We would be together forever and it would be perfect, because he loved me. This continued for the rest of the school year until the summer. He moved and got a new girlfriend right away in his new hometown. I was depressed. I had no friends and no boyfriend. So really, I had nothing.

But I got over it, actually. I spent a lot of time with my family and I got close with my parents and siblings. When september started, I went to a private high school. Another first. My first day of high school, I made a ton of friends who appreciated me for me. They didn't care if I went to a party or not, or if I was dating or not. They didn't care that I took pride in my good school work or if maybe I was kind of a nerd. I had real friends. And guess what? They also didn't care about my past. I was me, and they enjoyed me for me. They respected me. And they came to love me. It was a first for real friends. And for once, my first wasn't awkward and I didn't do anything wrong.

Alright, so there is a first for everything, which you already knew before I came along. But not all firsts are bad, which you thought was my point at the beginning of this long rant, but you were sorely mistaken. Most of my firsts have been bad, and have lead to even worse seconds, thirds and fourths, but the firsts that matter have lead to even better seconds, thirds and fourths.

Anyways, I better let you go. I have Finals coming up, and if I want to keep up my nerdy appearance, I better study. I wouldn't want to fail, for the first time.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 21:55:09 GMT

Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Datingish... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first - or just to say, "Hi!"